I started writing this blog post, as much as anything, just to work out what i was thinking as tbh i have been muddled and confused.  After 15 years of marriage i was unexpectedly divorced.  the divorce came through almost a year ago today.  During the 18 months since my ex left i have been dipping in and out of dating apps and tbh i have had way too many first dates.  I have wasted too many hours flirting over text which has been fun and iberating at first but after a while it all means nothing.  None of my dates have been bad or disastrous, none of my dates have been anything leaning towards even a negative experience, but despite the fact that i am discerning and have weeded the fakes and the liars i still have found these dates to be nothing better that a lovely cup of coffee with a nice enough man.   some have made it to second dates but only a handful have made it to third and beyond to afternoon delight….

When speaking to friends about this dating thing, they ask me if it was my profile, infact one coach slipped me a dm and asked to write my profile for me, but i have to say, the guys are okay,  and i honestly can say, i could date every night of the week if i wanted to, there is a no defining thing… some are perfect “on paper” and some are actually pretty good IRL… but what i have come to realise… though i have to admit it has taken me a long time to comprehend, is that, this time.. having had two marriages culminating in 27years between them; this time,  i just don’t want a relationship.  Im very happy on my own.  I complete me.

I have had to go back to my childhood to understand why this has been such hard for me to understand and run with.  I was brought up by parents who believed i should be married and looked after.  That i should play the role of a traditional wife. and that is basically what i did for 27 years… but now i don’t want to do was is expected of me or follow the norm.  My kids are so much clearer about dating.  I am happy to be single, intact I’m so happy to be single i don’t even want to commit to a date with a guy who ticks all my boxes… so what does that say about me.

well after sitting with this for some time s that i don’t want any man in my life of a regular basis.  I like having freedom and autonomy.  I have 3 children who i always prefer to see and hang out with then anyone else.  and i like living alone.  I have never once in this 18 months of living alone come home and felt lonely, I have not once in this 18 months wished i was still married to husband 1or 2. (tho tbh if i had to choose it would be husband 1 as he is the father to my 3 and he is a wonderful dad and a really good man)

its a weird phenomenon that i didn’t know i was feeing, i was so on auto pilot with the story i had learnt that i needed to travel through life with a partner that l didnt stop to question it.  we all need sex, we all need touch and connection is a human need.. its not that these guys were not right for me, its actually that i was not right for dating.  I don’t want to date, just like i don’t want to have my whole weekend taken up with one person, just like i don’t want to go on holiday with a boyfriend, just like i don’t want to find my soul-mate or husband 3.  I’m just not interested!  so what does that make me?

sad, lonely, introvert, gay?  no it doesn’t mean any of those things, tho i probably am an outward introvert,  it means i am happy.  Im happy taking this time in my life, discovering me, feeling complete without someone else, Im moving to a new home that i have bought alone for the first time ever, decorating it to my taste, allowing myself to be totally random and quirky with my soft furnishing ideas.  I don’t want to fix someone or complete anyone, i just want to be.

ah thats friends with benefits i hear you say, you want a friend with benefits.  but no i don’t, i have tried that and i didn’t get on with it very well it was a little consuming..though tbh i like the idea but the reality is not so easy.  for example, who else are they being friends with benefits to? how many friends with benefits does my friend with benefit have?  now that gets too complicated and emotionally messy to even think about, let alone participate in.

I’m lucky that i belong to a great yoga community and i have lots of connections in my day. perhaps one day i will change my mind and perhaps i meet someone who i do want to see for more that 3 hours, but for now i realise i don’t want to waste another minute on a coffee date, i don’t want to scroll another second and see some guy and be tempted to swipe right only to realise i cant be bothered to actually see them and its not what i want.  I have to accept and understand.  Right here and right now i don’t want anyone in my life…. why is that so hard…? I mean why do i find accepting that so hard?

It made me laugh out loud that i have taken so long to realise that i was barking up the wrong tree.  me the lady who always says know your self…. lols… well i am still getting to know myself and what i know for sure, that as i write this i haven’t been on a first date for a month or so and Im really enjoying my dating detox.