Divorce is not pretty, easy or comfortable, but for most of us who go through it, it proves to be essential, necessary and life changing.
I can only try to imagine the hell that is going on behind closed doors in lock-down. The irritation, resentment, the despair, the absolute disbelief that life, your decisions and your choices have led you to this point. One thing I know to be true is that we can never know what goes on behind closed doors and it would probably be unsettling to peep through those curtains.
There are a million reasons for divorce and I dont know one relationship that looks, feels, acts the same as another. I know that my two marriages where completely different and ended in divorce for completely different reasons. I did not marry the same type twice and I was not the same wife in either. Different vibes bring out different vibes.
What I do know about going through the process of divorce is that it is necessary to go through a process. What attracted you to this person, what was the first warning sign, when did the mask slip, what red flags did you ignore for an easier life. What did you put up with, because everything else was so great? What is the repeated behaviour of the two of you, how does the downward spiral start and what are you triggers?
Is it as simple as you are not speaking the same Love Language (Gary Chapman) or you are not Meyers Briggs compatible. Perhaps you are in opposing Tendancies (Gretchen Rubin). whatever your profile and the understanding and the empathy towards them, marriage is tough, marriage is tough, marriage is tough and when the bad out weighs the good it is time to know that life will be better after divorce.
Despite there being a million red flags in my second marriage I didnt expect it to end. I was left in utter disbelief that the time came, one uneventful day, that we were finally in agreement, at the same time, in the same moment, we were done. And this time, unlike all the other times, when we one of us had felt done, we both decided to zip lips, follow through and not turn back.
Thank goodness I had the strength and the courage to not say those words, “shall we try again” and repeat the behaviour of previous arguments that brought us back together, time after time during the 15 years we shared.
Yes its been tough and yes its been overwhelming, but here we in lock-down and I so grateful to be beautifully single, beautifully comfortable and beautifully alone, but never lonely. I have felt more lonely in a crowded room, in a dinner party and in a marriage, than I do in my appartment on my own.
If you feel lonely in your marriage, I understand. If its not too bad and you think its selfish to even think for a moment that you need more, I understand. If you felt that feeling of being done and then cant find the courage to follow through, I understand. This lockdown is going to really test you and your relationships. Please take time to sit with the difficult and the answer will be in your stillness. In the rush to return to “normal life” please do take this time to meditate on what you would like your like your life to look like after lockdown..
If you want to have a confidential, complimentary call about this then please message/email me.
sending love and keep safe